The Word the Internet Gave You for Your Mother

You start looking for an explanation for your mother's behavior, and within an hour, you've found a word that seems to explain everything. Thousands of women are describing mothers who sound exactly like yours. They're talking about the same arguments, the same criticism, and the same problems you've spent years trying to explain to your own family. Nobody in your family has ever described your experience this accurately, so finding other women who understand it comes as a relief.

You've lived with your mother long enough to recognize her behavior. You know which subjects to avoid, when she's likely to start an argument, and what happens when somebody pays you a compliment in front of her. You can describe what she's done over the years because you were there. What you can't establish from an online checklist is whether she has narcissistic personality disorder. A diagnosis requires a professional evaluation, and your mother might never agree to one. You're left with a word that seems to explain your childhood but that you can't actually confirm.

The problem often starts when you use that word with your family. Your brother was at your wedding when your mother walked out before the dancing started. He remembers what happened, and he might even agree that she was trying to hurt you. But when you call her a narcissist, he can argue that you aren't qualified to diagnose her. He might spend the next thirty years arguing about the diagnosis without ever addressing what happened at your wedding. Before long, the conversation becomes about whether you're being too hard on your mother, and the behavior that upset you gets very little attention.

Eventually, the word becomes part of how your relatives describe you. You're the daughter who watched too many videos about narcissistic mothers. Your decision to stop calling becomes something you read online, even though the problems existed long before you knew what narcissism meant. Relatives who weren't present for much of your childhood can now question your interpretation of it. Even the relatives who witnessed certain incidents might find it easier to argue about a diagnosis than to acknowledge what your mother actually did.

There are other explanations for some of the behaviors daughters associate with narcissism. Your mother might have grown up in a family where a woman's appearance determined how much attention she received. She might have been praised for being attractive, taking care of everyone, or putting her own needs last. When you became a teenager and started receiving attention of your own, she might have treated you like competition. You can look at her history and consider whether those experiences contributed to her behavior. You might never know exactly why she treated you the way she did, but understanding the circumstances that shaped her can give you information that a diagnostic label alone can't provide.

You don't have to stop using a word that helped you make sense of your childhood. Finding an explanation after years of confusion can be important, especially when other people have repeatedly dismissed your experiences. But when you're explaining your decision to distance yourself from your mother, describe what actually happened. Talk about the phone calls at eleven at night, the financial help she repeatedly brings up during arguments, and the holidays that leave you upset for days afterward. Explain what happens when you disagree with her and how she responds when you try to address a problem.

Your brother can spend thirty years arguing about whether your mother is a narcissist. It's much harder to dismiss a specific incident that he witnessed, although he might still disagree about what it meant. You can describe your mother's behavior accurately without knowing whether she has a personality disorder. And when you're deciding whether to continue a relationship with her, what she's done and how she treats you are enough to consider.